and I'm waiting by the phone, Why?

Why at the ripe old age of over 50 am I waiting for a call from a guy? I am so angry at myself for this. I turn off my phone so I can escape the waiting. When it's on, I'm waiting. When it's off I'm free to not know that he is not calling me. How is it that I ended up here?

In January I started a very long journey to understand. I have come to learn about myself that I "suffer" from characteristics that have been identified as abandonment. I had no clue for all these years. I never even imagined that I would be anywhere remotely related to this type of struggle. But the truth of the matter is that I am. I very much am.

I have never in my life read a self help book before now. The first book I read about abandonment by Susan Anderson was all about me. So in some sense, while I hate admitting that I have this issue, I made progress this year in that I learned this is my struggle.

I want very much for it to be over because I know for sure that it has contributed to the end of two relationships and it is contributing right now to the very possible end of another. I don't want this to end.

What does abandonment look like on me? Well simply there are just times when parting from someone is more than I can bare. I begin to feel pain and panic. Mostly this has revealed itself in relationships with significant others but I have seen some traits in my other relationships. For some reason it is stronger with my relationships with the opposite sex. I know this contributed to the early demise of my marriage, that and other issues. I see it, I feel it, I know what it is now but I haven't yet been able to manage or control it. It can grip me in fear and paralyze me from doing anything productive. I hate it. I want to be free of it.

I am starting the second half of my life with this brand new empty road map that I have to carve out for myself. I'd like to not take this issue with me.

I'd like to really focus more on my writing. I love to write. I don't think that I have any unique talent for writing although humanly one likes to think that yes, I do. Still it is a great release for me, a sign of growth, a glimpse back at a moment that touched my heart or caused it pain. I have been writing for a very long time. I know I wrote poems for my mother when I was a little girl. Perhaps this writing too was a way for me to deal with my abandonment. It gave me the one avenue to release everything inside of me with no one judging or criticizing or more importantly, no one ignoring. Writing is solitary so when I'm writing it doesn't matter to me that I am alone. I am giving voice to the pain that is inside me. This is very healing to me. When I am writing there is nothing stopping me and nothing in the way. Everything can just flow. I move away from it but I always come back to it.