the last year..

has been one emotional carnival ride for me. I have been sad, depressed, terrified, angry and lonely. When the final paperwork came through for this separation...I felt such sadness. I'm not regretting my decision, I just felt extreme sadness over its end. I think I am beginning to see the light at the beginning of the tunnel. I don't know why but the last couple of days I have begun to feel better..and lighter...and a bit like my old self. I want to be a better person.

What I fear mostly right now is that I may not know how to be in a relationship. I may need to take some time to figure out why this one didn't work and I don't trust anyone enough to explore those reasons. I know I just can't ignore it but I want to.

It's hard for me to trust. I want to do that.

The fine line between sanity and insanity...

This is where I am today. I can't stand living in this house with him and taking care of all the things that he doesn't. After decades of him not even opening the mail now he examines every piece that comes in the house as if I am going to rob him. He is defensive of every word I say so I choose to keep quiet and not say anything. I'm here only for the last beautiful one. As long as this beautiful one is here I am. For what....somedays I don't know. I am so miserable but I can't afford to leave and he just won't.

I feel hurt, not physically well, lonely, ugly, out of shape and a baby step away from going over the deep end. How much more of this can I endure? We'll see.